“A key implication here is – if your partner has a different profile of these priorities than you do, it’s useless and disrespectful to criticize or try to change them. Attempting to do so is like demanding that s/he change her or his fingerprints. What do you think?”

 Dr. Moir urges that ‘we stop the “battle of the sexes” - for neither is right or better, we’re just “wired” differently. Thus in communicating, it would help if men and women stop judging and trying to convert each other (“You are so illogical!; Yeah? Well you have the sensitivity of a tree stump.“), accept our different abilities and skills as complementary, and blend them cooperatively to manage our life challenges! This seems to answer Henry Higgins’ question in My Fair Lady “Why Can’t A Woman … Be More Like A Man?!” ‘  
I’m not saying we shouldn’t work hard sometimes to change ourselves, but maybe we could be a little more understanding and accepting verses impatiently pressing the others in our lives to be like us.  Since most men have seven times more testosterone programming them to be more task oriented, maybe it would be wise to consider that propensity before judging them harshly.  Likewise since most women have an advantage accessing the emotional side of life, maybe we should consider that as an advantage in many relationships.  As Marian C. Diamond, Phd. suggests:

 “Sex differences and the brain. What does it matter, you say? I think it does. Through such knowledge we will eventually be better able to understand the basis for behaviors that many now perceive as entirely rooted in social custom or familial history. From that understanding, we will gain the acceptance, patience, and respect so vital to all human endeavor.”

What do you think, what do you feel?  Remember we are talking about average differences!!

      Female-Male Differences Testosterone Levels

1. Shock/denial

2. Anger

3. Depression/sadness

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

In my 25 years of counseling I have been able to coach many through the grief process and these stages.  That experience has revealed some interesting facts about the process.  The stages are seldom experienced in perfect order.  Most rotate from one stage and back again.  They overlap at times and I would add “fear” to the list and it often appears to be paired with stage 1,2,and 3. 

The grief process can range from a mild emotional process to an extreme emotional process.  This variance is the result of several factors such as: the level of the importance of the person or thing lost, the personality of the person experiencing the loss, the type of loss whether immediate or gradual prolonged dying process, the type of death or loss whether it was a violent or tragic loss etc.  

This explanation of grief is only a brief presentation of the process which can often be complicated by the type of loss.  The suicide of a loved one is a very unique loss and often requires help from a professional counselor.  There are many great books on the subject of grief, books that will guide/coach you through the process.  One of the best and shortest books on the subject is “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It was originally his personal journal written as he experienced the dying process of his wife to cancer.  Even if this was not your type of loss, he explains the mental confusion and emotional process very well.  He was a very analytical thinker and he agonizes over the loss of logical order in his life at that time.   

I believe nobody should tell you how to experience this process.  It is very personal and you are ultimately in control of the process, but you may need help.

Most addicts or alcoholics eventually “hit bottom” and either end their life or get help.  Sometimes the ending of life is a slow suicide as they eventually physically, mentally and emotionally fall apart while they use or drink themselves to death. 

 Many youth today assume they are not in danger when they use or drink because after all they aren’t an addict.  But death or serious life damage can occur in the second stage as a substance abuser.  One of the more serious dangers is the sexual encounter without protection.  Most youth feel invincible while under the influence of mind altering substances as their best judgement is lost.

When someone becomes chemically dependent or addicted they can rarely stop on their own.  They often need help/assistance to stop the progression of addiction.  “Progression” will be explained on a later blog.  They sometimes spend many years as a substance abuser before addiction or chemical dependency grabs them.  Stay tuned for “The Stages of Addiction”.

In recovery language we use the word “denial” to describe a component of addiction that keeps the addict from seeing reality.  Those who have never been addicted see us as totally dishonest.  They assume we can clearly see how we are thinking and behaving. 

The reality of being in “denial” for the addict is a state of  believing our lies or misconceptions of our reality.  We often truly can’t see what’s obvious to the others in our life.  When we reach the final stages of addiction we  usually live in more and more isolation and confusion.  We sometimes have moments of clarity where we somewhat see that we have lost control over the substances we thought we had controled.  These moments can be pretty scary, so we continue to use drugs to cover our uncomfortable feelings of fear.  What makes it all worse is we are also in denial of our feelings, too proud to say we fear anything. 

Towards the end of my addiction I spent about three years attempting to control my abuse of drugs.  I never told anyone I was trying to stop.  Maybe I did tell some I was going to slow down, but I do remember saying to myself  “just say no”.  It never worked until one day I humbled myself and asked for help to stop what I couldn’t seem to stop myself.  How easy do you think it is to admit you are out of control?

My Grandfather died before I was born.  He was 55.  My father never talked about him nor did anyone else for that mater.  I asked two of my aunts what he was like.  Late in their life they both sent  me letters about him.  They both described him as a serious and often angry man who became softer and more sensitive when he began to suffer from stomach cancer toward the end of his life.  They said he turned to God in those last months. 

I’ve heard stories of the toughness of  Swedes that immigrated to the US.  I am assuming my father and his siblings were a product of that tradition.  We seemed to have lots of secrets in the family.  By that I mean stories of suffering and grief that I only discovered as an aunt would disclose a previously hidden story of the family.  Maybe it was as they realized they were the only, or one of the only, siblings left thus making it easier to reveal family history.  At least there would be less upset as they broke a family code of silence.  I’m only assuming this and that’s and important clarification.  Unfortunately I was afraid to ask.  Now that’s not based on an assumption but is my training of many years of “not talking about family issues, especially painful ones”.  It was an unspoken rule, but we got the message.