Category Archives: grief

Children of Divorce

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Marriage, once considered one of the most sacred commitments, has become one of the most easily dismissed commitments. Sacred has a religious meaning, such as holy, set apart. Webster mentions related words as inviolate, pure; privileged, protected, secure, shielded; exempt, immune. It is also suggested that something sacred is entitled to reverence and respect.

Maybe we should reconsider our tendency to throw away anything in this country that has a religious connotation. Is it so disrespectful to suggest that marriage should be sacred? Maybe religion has been abused, but does that mean we should throw away all the moral principles related to religion.

Ask the adult children of divorce how they feel about these qualities of marriage: pure; privileged, protected, secure, shielded; exempt, immune. You will find they have not felt protected, secure, shielded, exempt or immune from the pain of divorce.

Before you consider divorce please read “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”. This book was written from the results of a 25 year study of the lives of children of divorce. The following is a portion of the “Discussion” section of the original research article:

“The call to liberalize divorce in the early 1970s promised happier and better marriages. Ironically, findings from this study show that although divorce sets many adults free, and many second marriages are happier, these benefits do not extend to their children. Divorce begets fewer marriages, poorer marriages, and more divorces. This should not encourage us to retreat from regarding divorce as an adult right. However, it does call attention to enduring problems in the lives of the children involved. Where did we go wrong, and what can we do?”

I wish those thinking of divorce would hear the stories of the children of divorce in my counseling office. I have been counseling families, couples and individuals for 28 years and when rapport is built they will break the silence of unresolved grief. They have often made a vow of silence leading them to the “denial” stage of grief. Many teenage children are also stuck in the “anger” stage of divorce. This results in a commitment to serious repressing of feelings with deep emotional wounds that often become “baggage” carried into their future relationships. Stay tuned for some comments on “baggage”!

Grief can slow us down, but if processed it can lift us up and bring healing

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I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted on this blog. In my own personal growth I have successfully grieved several significant losses. For the last year I have successfully grieved the loss of my brother.

In all my years of counseling others through grief, and grieving myself, I’ve never felt as much pain and anguish as during this grief of his death. We experienced 65 years together and the last 20 brought us real close spiritually and emotionally. I like to say, “We connected at the heart and not just the brain!” Frankly this pain of his loss hit me by suprise. I mean I knew I would miss him severly, but I experienced much more depression than I expected.

I feel I have reached the “acceptance” stage of my grief. I know I will have periods of hurt as I remember him, but the pain is far less than in the beginning of my grief and I have risen far above my depression. I thank God for my experience with him in life and I now thank God much more for this grief experience. I have new hope, new vision and new energy!

Grief Process (???)

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Webster describes the word “process” as: a usually fixed or ordered series of actions or events leading to a result. It occurs to me that this whole idea of grief being a process is somewhat absurd. It’s assuming we can somehow box up all the feelings of grief in some neat little box and explain it in an orderly fashion. How do you explain the experience of feeling sometimes shocked, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes afraid and sometimes lonely. Sometimes all mixed together at once, sometimes all thrown around in circles of overwhelming stress and pain. Whoopee, label that orderly and fixed.  A neat little orderly package that makes so much sense to the logical mind. I don’t think so!

Grief

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There have been many books written on the grief process.  Most books would describe usually 4 stages and sometimes five.  The five most commonly listed are:

1. Shock/denial

2. Anger

3. Depression/sadness

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

In my 25 years of counseling I have been able to coach many through the grief process and these stages.  That experience has revealed some interesting facts about the process.  The stages are seldom experienced in perfect order.  Most rotate from one stage and back again.  They overlap at times and I would add “fear” to the list and it often appears to be paired with stage 1,2,and 3. 

The grief process can range from a mild emotional process to an extreme emotional process.  This variance is the result of several factors such as: the level of the importance of the person or thing lost, the personality of the person experiencing the loss, the type of loss whether immediate or gradual prolonged dying process, the type of death or loss whether it was a violent or tragic loss etc.  

This explanation of grief is only a brief presentation of the process which can often be complicated by the type of loss.  The suicide of a loved one is a very unique loss and often requires help from a professional counselor.  There are many great books on the subject of grief, books that will guide/coach you through the process.  One of the best and shortest books on the subject is “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It was originally his personal journal written as he experienced the dying process of his wife to cancer.  Even if this was not your type of loss, he explains the mental confusion and emotional process very well.  He was a very analytical thinker and he agonizes over the loss of logical order in his life at that time.   

I believe nobody should tell you how to experience this process.  It is very personal and you are ultimately in control of the process, but you may need help.