Endurance

It’s been a long time since I have posted anything on this blog, but here goes. I have been real busy and part of that busyness is writing a book about the need for men to get in touch with their emotions, to take off the masks that keep us stuck in hiding our heart, emotions. Most of us have women in our life that want us to open up that emotional side. In my counseling office many women have said in one way or another, “I wish he would talk to me about his emotions!” My response is of course encouragement that they are on the right track in thinking we need this, but then I ask them, “How many men have you heard who were in conversation and one said to the other,’I’m really feeling sad John and I’d like to tell you about it’.”

If this is true that many men don’t even know what emotions they feel how could they ever fulfill the most common unfulfilled need of most women? In twenty-seven years of counseling, the most common expectation of women is to “Improve communication!” in our relationship. Eventually it comes to “He doesn’t listen.” It’s important to mention that she doesn’t want him to listen with a mind to fix her problems, she wants him to empathize with her, to understand her. To show empathy to someone we must be able to communicate understanding not only logically, but most of all walk in her shoes with a feeling for her emotions. The problem is we don’t speak that language.

There’s a lot more details to this dilemma and women need to understand that most men have been trained like special forces soldiers to shut down our emotions. It’s not the norm for us to even know what we feel let alone be able to communicate them.

Children of Divorce

Marriage, once considered one of the most sacred commitments, has become one of the most easily dismissed commitments. Sacred has a religious meaning, such as holy, set apart. Webster mentions related words as inviolate, pure; privileged, protected, secure, shielded; exempt, immune. It is also suggested that something sacred is entitled to reverence and respect.

Maybe we should reconsider our tendency to throw away anything in this country that has a religious connotation. Is it so disrespectful to suggest that marriage should be sacred? Maybe religion has been abused, but does that mean we should throw away all the moral principles related to religion.

Ask the adult children of divorce how they feel about these qualities of marriage: pure; privileged, protected, secure, shielded; exempt, immune. You will find they have not felt protected, secure, shielded, exempt or immune from the pain of divorce.

Before you consider divorce please read “The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce”. This book was written from the results of a 25 year study of the lives of children of divorce. The following is a portion of the “Discussion” section of the original research article:

“The call to liberalize divorce in the early 1970s promised happier and better marriages. Ironically, findings from this study show that although divorce sets many adults free, and many second marriages are happier, these benefits do not extend to their children. Divorce begets fewer marriages, poorer marriages, and more divorces. This should not encourage us to retreat from regarding divorce as an adult right. However, it does call attention to enduring problems in the lives of the children involved. Where did we go wrong, and what can we do?”

I wish those thinking of divorce would hear the stories of the children of divorce in my counseling office. I have been counseling families, couples and individuals for 28 years and when rapport is built they will break the silence of unresolved grief. They have often made a vow of silence leading them to the “denial” stage of grief. Many teenage children are also stuck in the “anger” stage of divorce. This results in a commitment to serious repressing of feelings with deep emotional wounds that often become “baggage” carried into their future relationships. Stay tuned for some comments on “baggage”!

Scandinavian Stoicism

The older I get the more I seem to want to connect with my ethnic roots.  I have Scandinavian roots on my father’s side.  My Great Grandfather left Jonkoping area of southern Sweden to begin a new life in America.  It appears times were rough for farmers in Sweden at the time.  I know little of him or my Grandfather.  The stories I’ve heard seem to suggest they were very hard working men. 

My Grandfather died before I was born.  He was 55.  My father never talked about him nor did anyone else for that mater.  I asked two of my aunts what he was like.  Late in their life they both sent  me letters about him.  They both described him as a serious and often angry man who became softer and more sensitive when he began to suffer from stomach cancer toward the end of his life.  They said he turned to God in those last months. 

I’ve heard stories of the toughness of  Swedes that immigrated to the US.  I am assuming my father and his siblings were a product of that tradition.  We seemed to have lots of secrets in the family.  By that I mean stories of suffering and grief that I only discovered as an aunt would disclose a previously hidden story of the family.  Maybe it was as they realized they were the only, or one of the only, siblings left thus making it easier to reveal family history.  At least there would be less upset as they broke a family code of silence.  I’m only assuming this and that’s and important clarification.  Unfortunately I was afraid to ask.  Now that’s not based on an assumption but is my training of many years of “not talking about family issues, especially painful ones”.  It was an unspoken rule, but we got the message.

To repress pain or to express pain

In America there seems to be little room for men expressing emotional or physical pain.  In most cases if he does express them, he’ll be labeled “weak”.  What does it mean to express emotional pain?  Apparently even God allows room for men expressing pain.  I think we’d have to look long and hard to find God condemning the expression of emotional pain.  It was King Solomon who said, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:  a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,…”