When people hurt us we often see it as them having treated us “wrong”! This can surely hurt us, but usually we also get angry. If the anger is not dealt with it will often lead to resentment. If we don’t process the resentment it can lead to hate and or bitterness. I have found that this anger, resentment, hate and bitterness can lead to the destruction of many family, friend or work relationships.

In my experience of marriage and family counseling, individuals in the relationships enter the counseling office with many resentments filed in their carefully researched “record of wrongs”. It usually starts in the first session as they spew out the details of those records. They have developed a sometimes long list with a rather large file of the details of the other person’s “record of wrongs”. Then as they unload the file on the other person, that other person begins to unload their file on them. If I let it go it sometimes begins to look like a couple of lawyers prosecuting and defending without a judge.

One very sad result of keeping those records is the dimishing of what I call the “likes list”. It’s that list of things we really liked about that person we married. It appears the more we add to the “record of wrongs” the less we see of the “likes list”. We begin to lengthen what I call the “don’t like list”. Every time we add to the “don’t like list” we see less and less of the things we used to like about that person.

Often after many years of marriage one or both come into the office as a last ditch effort to save the marriage, but the “don’t like list” is all that’s left because they no longer have a “likes list”. Most of them expect me to be the judge that justifys how they are right and the other is wrong. They often are hoping I will defend their case and make a judgment against their partner. I guess then they will feel like they win. For some it seems to be the right to win the right for divorcing their spouse.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on the subject of “Forgiveness”.