It appears I may be the third generation of “fatherless” men. When I say “fatherless” I don’t mean a totally absent father. My Grandfather (Dad’s father) was a very busy farmer with nine children. He was a strong/stoic Swedish man. He lived a life of many hardships and suffered with anxiety and was often angry. Two of his oldest daughters wrote me about his angry outbursts and how they felt distant from him until his last year of life. He suffered and died of stomach cancer at the age of 54. They both said he really softened that last year as his faith in God grew strong. It appears he was not emotionally available until that last year of his life.

My father was also a very hard worker and great provider although I seldom spent time with him. I only remember two times in all my childhood that I went anywhere with just him and one of those times he had to be with me to represent me as a minor in court.  I had been arrested for drinking alcohol as a minor in a county 60 miles from our hometown. I know he loved us but he too was very stoic and emotionally unavailable. It is hard to be an emotionally available father when you have not had one yourself.

I made a vow as a young man that if I ever had children, I would never abandon them emotionally or any other way. I failed badly the first 20 years of being a father, but God and addiction recovery have helped me be available to my children for the last 35 years. It hurts a lot to think I abandoned my first two children. I have made amends and tried to emotionally bond with them, but I wish I could have given them what I never had myself. I have been able to change with the help of God and have tried hard to be emotionally available to my last two daughters. My wife, their Mom, has assured me that I have.

In my own failures as a father I have gained compassion and forgiveness for my father. Mostly I have been humbled as I have walked in his shoes through the difficulties of being an angry man and an alcoholic. It was only through my faith in God that I could forgive him and myself. I miss my father so much sometimes and if he were to return to earth I would spend so much time with him. We bonded emotionally in the last couple of months of his life as he too got recovery. That experience was worth a fortune to me. He had cirrhosis with some dementia and became childlike at times and very humble. It softened him. Our heart (emotional side) was not hidden anymore.

I have met hundreds of fatherless men in 27 years of counseling individuals, couples and families. By “fatherless” I mean men who would answer the question: “Have you had a close relationship with your father?”, with the answers “seldom”, “rarely” or “never”. I’m thinking of starting a weekly blog on the suject.