Category Archives: Addiction

Life Baggage

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“Life Baggage” is a term I use to describe the carryover of our life experience into our current marriage and parenting. When we travel we carry with us baggage loaded with important items for the journey. When we marry we carry into our marriage journey baggage loaded with life experiences that have shaped us for life. The average person spends 18 years or more of being shaped/molded by their life with parents, siblings and a variety of models and experiences from many other areas in life such as time spent with extended family, childcare, school,work and a multitude of other social environments. How we experienced teaching and modeling in these environments shaped what we believe about everything in life, whether that experience was influenced by a parent, sibling, extended family member, neighbor, teacher, coach, priest, pastor, Sunday school teacher, childcare staff, boss, peer, or any other person along the journey.
Your own personal journey may have started in a home with abuse of some type or many types. You could have experienced verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual or a combo of several. It could have included domestic violence fueled by addictions or fueled by religious extremism. The list of abusive environments is long. You could have experienced a home environment where there were never any arguments or fights at all. Even this environment could set you up for marriage problems because you never saw how to resolve conflicts.
The examination and analysis of how we were influenced or shaped by our life experiences can take some time and could be emotionally stressful as well as relieving. The journey can enlighten us as to how our life baggage damages, blocks intimacy in our marriage and lead us to personal healing and increased trust and intimacy in marriage and parenting.
Probably one of the most discouraging facts about marriage conflicts I see in my counseling office is that most of us have never been given insights or knowledge of how to succeed in marriage or parenting. In the last 29 years of marriage counseling I have often asked the question, “Have you ever had a class on marriage or parenting?” Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time the answer is a resounding “NO”. Year after year in our education process most of us have had math, science, language, history etc.year after year for at least 13 years, but never a class on marriage or parenting. We load up on knowledge that will help us with our career choice and experience, but we are totally ignorant of how to succeed in marriage and parenting. Ignorant does not mean stupid, but it does mean lacking information. How could we succeed in any area of life with ignorance?

SAFE for the Holidays

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This is a tool for fighting the holiday blues. It can be used by anyone, especially recovering addicts, alcoholics and codependents. It is not uncommon for many of us to have the winter blues. Whether we have experienced living with our own or someones addiction the holidays can be so stressful.
I use an acronym for remembering this plan: “SAFE”
S- Secure a place of escape when things get stressful, a prayer or meditation sanctuary. There is usually a bathroom where you can escape to and lock the door. It is a good idea to take with you a daily devotional with positive quotes for the day. We can also prepare a list of gratitude for the tough times. We need to focus on the positive. Another place of escape can be taking a walk from the scene. Tell them your on a workout regime and need to get some exercise. Maybe take a safe friend with you.
A- Attend twelve step meetings, maybe even an alcathon. If you don’t know what that is look it up on the internet. Plan ahead. There are twelve step meetings all over the world. Check the net in your area.
F- Focus on God or your Higher Power more than yourself. Keep the Faith, you can endure anything if you don’t drink, use or get stuck wanting to fix or control someone. The reward of resistance will feel so good, even in the beginning of recovery. I know I have been there!
E- Ease up on yourself, remember to give yourself some grace. That word really means unmerited favor. You may not think you deserve it but give yourself some. Then you can say, “I may not be where I think I should be or where someone else thinks I should be, but I am not where I was!”
In the beginning of my recovery it was a miracle that I was able to even just survive the holidays. After 23 years of addiction and intense holidays I did not know how to act without alcohol, drugs or drama. Often I just wanted to numb out, not feel a thing. Now after years of practicing recovery I love the holidays. It may take a long time, but the rewards are incredible. “Don’t leave til the miracles happen!”

Stages of Addiction

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The following is a simplistic model of the stages of addiction.  The first stage is “fun”.  In this stage the user can experience fun or recreation even the first time they experiment.  The second stage is “fun + trouble”.  In this stage it’s fun, but causes some kind of trouble or adverse consequences in the life of the user.  The third stage is “trouble”.  In this stage it ceases to be fun and the user is only attempting to “numb out” or escape the mass amount of trouble they’ve accumulated by this time.  For some people addiction or dependence comes early, most continue to have fun to some degree for many years. 

Most addicts or alcoholics eventually “hit bottom” and either end their life or get help.  Sometimes the ending of life is a slow suicide as they eventually physically, mentally and emotionally fall apart while they use or drink themselves to death. 

 Many youth today assume they are not in danger when they use or drink because after all they aren’t an addict.  But death or serious life damage can occur in the second stage as a substance abuser.  One of the more serious dangers is the sexual encounter without protection.  Most youth feel invincible while under the influence of mind altering substances as their best judgement is lost.

Substance abuse vs. Chemical dependency

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Substance abuse usually refers to the abuse of alcohol or drugs, but not addiction or chemical dependency.  In many cases the substance abuser can return rather quickly to the use of substances without the problems or trouble caused when they abused them. 

When someone becomes chemically dependent or addicted they can rarely stop on their own.  They often need help/assistance to stop the progression of addiction.  “Progression” will be explained on a later blog.  They sometimes spend many years as a substance abuser before addiction or chemical dependency grabs them.  Stay tuned for “The Stages of Addiction”.

“Denial”

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Those who have never been addicted think those of us who have did it all by chose.  I remember when Nancy Reagan had a campaign called “just say no”.  She was encouraging youth to “just say no” to drug use.  It’s a great idea and I assume it helped several shut off the desire to use drugs. 

In recovery language we use the word “denial” to describe a component of addiction that keeps the addict from seeing reality.  Those who have never been addicted see us as totally dishonest.  They assume we can clearly see how we are thinking and behaving. 

The reality of being in “denial” for the addict is a state of  believing our lies or misconceptions of our reality.  We often truly can’t see what’s obvious to the others in our life.  When we reach the final stages of addiction we  usually live in more and more isolation and confusion.  We sometimes have moments of clarity where we somewhat see that we have lost control over the substances we thought we had controled.  These moments can be pretty scary, so we continue to use drugs to cover our uncomfortable feelings of fear.  What makes it all worse is we are also in denial of our feelings, too proud to say we fear anything. 

Towards the end of my addiction I spent about three years attempting to control my abuse of drugs.  I never told anyone I was trying to stop.  Maybe I did tell some I was going to slow down, but I do remember saying to myself  “just say no”.  It never worked until one day I humbled myself and asked for help to stop what I couldn’t seem to stop myself.  How easy do you think it is to admit you are out of control?