Category Archives: denial

Grief Process (???)

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Webster describes the word “process” as: a usually fixed or ordered series of actions or events leading to a result. It occurs to me that this whole idea of grief being a process is somewhat absurd. It’s assuming we can somehow box up all the feelings of grief in some neat little box and explain it in an orderly fashion. How do you explain the experience of feeling sometimes shocked, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes afraid and sometimes lonely. Sometimes all mixed together at once, sometimes all thrown around in circles of overwhelming stress and pain. Whoopee, label that orderly and fixed.  A neat little orderly package that makes so much sense to the logical mind. I don’t think so!

Grief

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There have been many books written on the grief process.  Most books would describe usually 4 stages and sometimes five.  The five most commonly listed are:

1. Shock/denial

2. Anger

3. Depression/sadness

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

In my 25 years of counseling I have been able to coach many through the grief process and these stages.  That experience has revealed some interesting facts about the process.  The stages are seldom experienced in perfect order.  Most rotate from one stage and back again.  They overlap at times and I would add “fear” to the list and it often appears to be paired with stage 1,2,and 3. 

The grief process can range from a mild emotional process to an extreme emotional process.  This variance is the result of several factors such as: the level of the importance of the person or thing lost, the personality of the person experiencing the loss, the type of loss whether immediate or gradual prolonged dying process, the type of death or loss whether it was a violent or tragic loss etc.  

This explanation of grief is only a brief presentation of the process which can often be complicated by the type of loss.  The suicide of a loved one is a very unique loss and often requires help from a professional counselor.  There are many great books on the subject of grief, books that will guide/coach you through the process.  One of the best and shortest books on the subject is “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It was originally his personal journal written as he experienced the dying process of his wife to cancer.  Even if this was not your type of loss, he explains the mental confusion and emotional process very well.  He was a very analytical thinker and he agonizes over the loss of logical order in his life at that time.   

I believe nobody should tell you how to experience this process.  It is very personal and you are ultimately in control of the process, but you may need help.

Depression

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Some people experience depression much different than the average person.  Some get real busy and experience a combo of depression and high anxiety.  This could eventually lead to burnout at work and sometimes all areas of  life as they become exhausted with it all.  They will not look depressed, but one clue is how busy they are and how they begin to withdraw from friends and family; to isolate themselves except when it comes to work and other busy projects.  Professionals should be careful not to miss possible bipolar symptoms.

“Denial”

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Those who have never been addicted think those of us who have did it all by chose.  I remember when Nancy Reagan had a campaign called “just say no”.  She was encouraging youth to “just say no” to drug use.  It’s a great idea and I assume it helped several shut off the desire to use drugs. 

In recovery language we use the word “denial” to describe a component of addiction that keeps the addict from seeing reality.  Those who have never been addicted see us as totally dishonest.  They assume we can clearly see how we are thinking and behaving. 

The reality of being in “denial” for the addict is a state of  believing our lies or misconceptions of our reality.  We often truly can’t see what’s obvious to the others in our life.  When we reach the final stages of addiction we  usually live in more and more isolation and confusion.  We sometimes have moments of clarity where we somewhat see that we have lost control over the substances we thought we had controled.  These moments can be pretty scary, so we continue to use drugs to cover our uncomfortable feelings of fear.  What makes it all worse is we are also in denial of our feelings, too proud to say we fear anything. 

Towards the end of my addiction I spent about three years attempting to control my abuse of drugs.  I never told anyone I was trying to stop.  Maybe I did tell some I was going to slow down, but I do remember saying to myself  “just say no”.  It never worked until one day I humbled myself and asked for help to stop what I couldn’t seem to stop myself.  How easy do you think it is to admit you are out of control?