There have been many books written on the grief process.  Most books would describe usually 4 stages and sometimes five.  The five most commonly listed are:

1. Shock/denial

2. Anger

3. Depression/sadness

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

In my 25 years of counseling I have been able to coach many through the grief process and these stages.  That experience has revealed some interesting facts about the process.  The stages are seldom experienced in perfect order.  Most rotate from one stage and back again.  They overlap at times and I would add “fear” to the list and it often appears to be paired with stage 1,2,and 3. 

The grief process can range from a mild emotional process to an extreme emotional process.  This variance is the result of several factors such as: the level of the importance of the person or thing lost, the personality of the person experiencing the loss, the type of loss whether immediate or gradual prolonged dying process, the type of death or loss whether it was a violent or tragic loss etc.  

This explanation of grief is only a brief presentation of the process which can often be complicated by the type of loss.  The suicide of a loved one is a very unique loss and often requires help from a professional counselor.  There are many great books on the subject of grief, books that will guide/coach you through the process.  One of the best and shortest books on the subject is “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It was originally his personal journal written as he experienced the dying process of his wife to cancer.  Even if this was not your type of loss, he explains the mental confusion and emotional process very well.  He was a very analytical thinker and he agonizes over the loss of logical order in his life at that time.   

I believe nobody should tell you how to experience this process.  It is very personal and you are ultimately in control of the process, but you may need help.