Resentment and Keeping a Record of Wrongs

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When people hurt us we often see it as them having treated us “wrong”! This can surely hurt us, but usually we also get angry. If the anger is not dealt with it will often lead to resentment. If we don’t process the resentment it can lead to hate and or bitterness. I have found that this anger, resentment, hate and bitterness can lead to the destruction of many family, friend or work relationships.

In my experience of marriage and family counseling, individuals in the relationships enter the counseling office with many resentments filed in their carefully researched “record of wrongs”. It usually starts in the first session as they spew out the details of those records. They have developed a sometimes long list with a rather large file of the details of the other person’s “record of wrongs”. Then as they unload the file on the other person, that other person begins to unload their file on them. If I let it go it sometimes begins to look like a couple of lawyers prosecuting and defending without a judge.

One very sad result of keeping those records is the dimishing of what I call the “likes list”. It’s that list of things we really liked about that person we married. It appears the more we add to the “record of wrongs” the less we see of the “likes list”. We begin to lengthen what I call the “don’t like list”. Every time we add to the “don’t like list” we see less and less of the things we used to like about that person.

Often after many years of marriage one or both come into the office as a last ditch effort to save the marriage, but the “don’t like list” is all that’s left because they no longer have a “likes list”. Most of them expect me to be the judge that justifys how they are right and the other is wrong. They often are hoping I will defend their case and make a judgment against their partner. I guess then they will feel like they win. For some it seems to be the right to win the right for divorcing their spouse.

Stay tuned for my thoughts on the subject of “Forgiveness”.

Grief can slow us down, but if processed it can lift us up and bring healing

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I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted on this blog. In my own personal growth I have successfully grieved several significant losses. For the last year I have successfully grieved the loss of my brother.

In all my years of counseling others through grief, and grieving myself, I’ve never felt as much pain and anguish as during this grief of his death. We experienced 65 years together and the last 20 brought us real close spiritually and emotionally. I like to say, “We connected at the heart and not just the brain!” Frankly this pain of his loss hit me by suprise. I mean I knew I would miss him severly, but I experienced much more depression than I expected.

I feel I have reached the “acceptance” stage of my grief. I know I will have periods of hurt as I remember him, but the pain is far less than in the beginning of my grief and I have risen far above my depression. I thank God for my experience with him in life and I now thank God much more for this grief experience. I have new hope, new vision and new energy!

Kinda like “Fingerprints”, genetic programming

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If medical research regarding Female/Male differences continues to suggest biological differences between the average woman and man, then maybe it’s sorta like trying to change someone’s genetic blueprint when we attempt to change each other.  I challenge skeptics to investigate some of the latest research which reveals major differences developing even early in pregnancy.  It appears to be a genetically programmed set of differences.  Geneticist Anne Moir says:

  “A key implication here is – if your partner has a different profile of these priorities than you do, it’s useless and disrespectful to criticize or try to change them. Attempting to do so is like demanding that s/he change her or his fingerprints. What do you think?”

 Dr. Moir urges that ‘we stop the “battle of the sexes” – for neither is right or better, we’re just “wired” differently. Thus in communicating, it would help if men and women stop judging and trying to convert each other (“You are so illogical!; Yeah? Well you have the sensitivity of a tree stump.“), accept our different abilities and skills as complementary, and blend them cooperatively to manage our life challenges! This seems to answer Henry Higgins’ question in My Fair Lady “Why Can’t A Woman … Be More Like A Man?!” ‘  
I’m not saying we shouldn’t work hard sometimes to change ourselves, but maybe we could be a little more understanding and accepting verses impatiently pressing the others in our lives to be like us.  Since most men have seven times more testosterone programming them to be more task oriented, maybe it would be wise to consider that propensity before judging them harshly.  Likewise since most women have an advantage accessing the emotional side of life, maybe we should consider that as an advantage in many relationships.  As Marian C. Diamond, Phd. suggests:

 “Sex differences and the brain. What does it matter, you say? I think it does. Through such knowledge we will eventually be better able to understand the basis for behaviors that many now perceive as entirely rooted in social custom or familial history. From that understanding, we will gain the acceptance, patience, and respect so vital to all human endeavor.”

What do you think, what do you feel?  Remember we are talking about average differences!!

Female/Male Differences

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The subject of “Female/Male differences” is still majorly controversial in some social circles.  The following is just a snippet of the vast amount of research information accumulated in the past twenty years.  For more information and research sources see “Female/Male Differences” in the resources section of this website.  You will find a pdf file with information from three female medical researchers.  What follows on this blog is simply an example of the differences in drive/preference between gender due to variance in testosterone levels.  The average male has seven times more than the average female.  It is very important to remember that these are average diffenences.  Left click on the link below and you will find an attachment, a pdf file which you can copy if you choose.   

      Female-Male Differences Testosterone Levels

Grief Process (???)

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Webster describes the word “process” as: a usually fixed or ordered series of actions or events leading to a result. It occurs to me that this whole idea of grief being a process is somewhat absurd. It’s assuming we can somehow box up all the feelings of grief in some neat little box and explain it in an orderly fashion. How do you explain the experience of feeling sometimes shocked, sometimes angry, sometimes sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes afraid and sometimes lonely. Sometimes all mixed together at once, sometimes all thrown around in circles of overwhelming stress and pain. Whoopee, label that orderly and fixed.  A neat little orderly package that makes so much sense to the logical mind. I don’t think so!

Grief

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There have been many books written on the grief process.  Most books would describe usually 4 stages and sometimes five.  The five most commonly listed are:

1. Shock/denial

2. Anger

3. Depression/sadness

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

In my 25 years of counseling I have been able to coach many through the grief process and these stages.  That experience has revealed some interesting facts about the process.  The stages are seldom experienced in perfect order.  Most rotate from one stage and back again.  They overlap at times and I would add “fear” to the list and it often appears to be paired with stage 1,2,and 3. 

The grief process can range from a mild emotional process to an extreme emotional process.  This variance is the result of several factors such as: the level of the importance of the person or thing lost, the personality of the person experiencing the loss, the type of loss whether immediate or gradual prolonged dying process, the type of death or loss whether it was a violent or tragic loss etc.  

This explanation of grief is only a brief presentation of the process which can often be complicated by the type of loss.  The suicide of a loved one is a very unique loss and often requires help from a professional counselor.  There are many great books on the subject of grief, books that will guide/coach you through the process.  One of the best and shortest books on the subject is “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis.  It was originally his personal journal written as he experienced the dying process of his wife to cancer.  Even if this was not your type of loss, he explains the mental confusion and emotional process very well.  He was a very analytical thinker and he agonizes over the loss of logical order in his life at that time.   

I believe nobody should tell you how to experience this process.  It is very personal and you are ultimately in control of the process, but you may need help.

Depression

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Some people experience depression much different than the average person.  Some get real busy and experience a combo of depression and high anxiety.  This could eventually lead to burnout at work and sometimes all areas of  life as they become exhausted with it all.  They will not look depressed, but one clue is how busy they are and how they begin to withdraw from friends and family; to isolate themselves except when it comes to work and other busy projects.  Professionals should be careful not to miss possible bipolar symptoms.

Stages of Addiction

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The following is a simplistic model of the stages of addiction.  The first stage is “fun”.  In this stage the user can experience fun or recreation even the first time they experiment.  The second stage is “fun + trouble”.  In this stage it’s fun, but causes some kind of trouble or adverse consequences in the life of the user.  The third stage is “trouble”.  In this stage it ceases to be fun and the user is only attempting to “numb out” or escape the mass amount of trouble they’ve accumulated by this time.  For some people addiction or dependence comes early, most continue to have fun to some degree for many years. 

Most addicts or alcoholics eventually “hit bottom” and either end their life or get help.  Sometimes the ending of life is a slow suicide as they eventually physically, mentally and emotionally fall apart while they use or drink themselves to death. 

 Many youth today assume they are not in danger when they use or drink because after all they aren’t an addict.  But death or serious life damage can occur in the second stage as a substance abuser.  One of the more serious dangers is the sexual encounter without protection.  Most youth feel invincible while under the influence of mind altering substances as their best judgement is lost.

Substance abuse vs. Chemical dependency

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Substance abuse usually refers to the abuse of alcohol or drugs, but not addiction or chemical dependency.  In many cases the substance abuser can return rather quickly to the use of substances without the problems or trouble caused when they abused them. 

When someone becomes chemically dependent or addicted they can rarely stop on their own.  They often need help/assistance to stop the progression of addiction.  “Progression” will be explained on a later blog.  They sometimes spend many years as a substance abuser before addiction or chemical dependency grabs them.  Stay tuned for “The Stages of Addiction”.

“Denial”

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Those who have never been addicted think those of us who have did it all by chose.  I remember when Nancy Reagan had a campaign called “just say no”.  She was encouraging youth to “just say no” to drug use.  It’s a great idea and I assume it helped several shut off the desire to use drugs. 

In recovery language we use the word “denial” to describe a component of addiction that keeps the addict from seeing reality.  Those who have never been addicted see us as totally dishonest.  They assume we can clearly see how we are thinking and behaving. 

The reality of being in “denial” for the addict is a state of  believing our lies or misconceptions of our reality.  We often truly can’t see what’s obvious to the others in our life.  When we reach the final stages of addiction we  usually live in more and more isolation and confusion.  We sometimes have moments of clarity where we somewhat see that we have lost control over the substances we thought we had controled.  These moments can be pretty scary, so we continue to use drugs to cover our uncomfortable feelings of fear.  What makes it all worse is we are also in denial of our feelings, too proud to say we fear anything. 

Towards the end of my addiction I spent about three years attempting to control my abuse of drugs.  I never told anyone I was trying to stop.  Maybe I did tell some I was going to slow down, but I do remember saying to myself  “just say no”.  It never worked until one day I humbled myself and asked for help to stop what I couldn’t seem to stop myself.  How easy do you think it is to admit you are out of control?